A New Purpose

I apologise for the rambling nature of this and any following posts. I've decided to make this my "Depression Diary".

I'm on my 7th week of anti-depression treatment. My psych appointment is on the 6th of September. I'm hoping that they can prescribe additional meds for me.

I'm bipolar. Seriously bipolar. I'm on anti-depressants but I definitely need a mood stabiliser as I still have violent mood swings. I can go from "happy happy joy joy" to "Imma cut a bitch" in 2.5 seconds. What I tolerate today may be what I hate tomorrow.

The A-Ds are doing SOMEthing but I still get extreme lows. This isn't good, especially for the kids. I'll promise to play games or go to the park and my mood will swing down and all of a sudden I have two disappointed 7 year-olds whining, "but you said..." and I get angry at them. It's not fair. They've done nothing wrong.

I start feeling sexy, then I start doing daft sexy things for The Hubs and then suddenly it's gone and I have a disappointed (but very understanding man) and a wasted erection.

I try to keep myself busy. The Hubs works hard to keep me from hiding from the world, which is what I tend to do when I'm on a severe low. We've been swimming almost every day this past week. I hate being around crowds of people but I've been pretty tolerant until today. I complained about the lifeguards who don't to anything about the older kids that are rough with the younger kids, don't watch the pool because they're too busy flirting with some guy at the showers and about the way there are too many unsupervised kids around. I got a free pass... hey whatever.

Point is, I have no point. I just need to rant. Thanks for reading!

Where Did Mo Go?

I woke up today and went into my usual websites. Facebook, Gmail, Cheezburger, DeadAzzWrong...WAIT! Whatchoo mean 'this blog has been removed'??? Did one of the Tyra Mailers and their 'lowyers' finally succeed?

I'm a little more than upset! DAW has become my daily dose of anti-depressant and comedy!

Where's the fam gonna go? Is Mo gonna come back?

Please tell me what's happening!

Quarterly Bonus Blues

So the company gives these quarterly bonuses for meeting stupid stats but I don't get mine.

My quality in emails is perfect.

My quality in chat is perfect.

My phone quality is near perfect.

I dropped the ball a bit in chat time and availability, but that isn't why I didn't get it.

The period for this bonus is April to June. My absence for that period is 9%. The only time off I have taken is when I had my kidney out.

I still lost the bonus.

It would be OK if it was because my work was no good or if I was constantly and randomly absent. That would be my fault. The only thing I could say was, "I had kidney cancer, that has to count for something!"

My supervisor replied that he would speak to the manager to see if anything could be done.

I don't expect anything can be done.

YES!!

Today I received an appointment letter from the hospital that does the Lap-band surgery.

My appointment for the assessment is on September 11th. The letter says that I should prepare for a 2-3 hour session.

WOO HOOOOOO!!

That is all.

So Many Reasons

I've been reading and reading about Lap Band, and one of the things that I've found is that it's important to have a list of reasons why you want to have the surgery...as if being a big fat fatty boom boom wasn't reason enough!

So here's my list:

Health
-I'm always tired. I get tired just from going up a flight of stairs or up a slight gradient.

-I have awful back issues. I had an accident 12 years ago and since then I've had problems with sciatica, slipped vertebrae, neck pain and migraines. The weight I've kept on just makes all of it worse.

-I can't stop eating. When I eat a recommended (read "small") portion, I'm not full so I go and get seconds or I have some toast. I'm constantly hungry even if I've had a meal no more than 2 hours ago. I'm tired of not being able to control this.

-High cholesterol.

-Pre-diabetic.

-My hips and tailbone ache if I sit in the same position for more than a few minutes.

-I don't sleep well.

-I can't walk long without my feet and ankles hurting.

Self-Esteem
-I hate what I see in the mirror.

-I want to walk around not worrying about people laughing and staring at me because I'm fat.

-I feel that I'm treated badly because of my weight.

-I'm tired of being treated like a second class citizen. (I'll write about THAT one later).

Appearance
-I don't have a lap anymore. It's all covered by belly. I'd like it back so I can sit my kids there once in a while.

-I have fat rolls on my fat rolls.

-My face is getting lost in itself.

-Bingo wings.

-Thighs rubbing together all the time.

-My belly is almost the same size as when I was 8 months pregnant with my twins.

-I look like I have two asses: my buttcheeks and the shelf of fat that goes from hip to hip.

Clothing
-I'd like to have a choice and buy what I like rather than settling for the less hideous items at the plus size stores.

-I'd like to choose clothing based on how it looks instead of it's stretchiness.

-I'd like to wear knee high boots.

-I want to wear normal sizes.

That's it in a nutshell. I do hope this happens for me!

Food Took Over

My current weight is 250 pounds. It's a lot but it's still 35 less than my weight when I arrived here in October. I've been on these pills called Xenical for a few months. It's the prescription strength version of Alli. It works very well. It does exactly what it says: 30% of the fat you eat goes straight through you. Sound great, doesn't it?

Sure but you still have to switch to low fat and fat free stuff for you to lose a significant amount of weight. It's not a miracle drug that lets you eat what you want without exercising for miracle weight loss. That's what we all want isn't it?

I'm tired of food running my life! I honestly don't lust after any particular foods anymore. I'm sick of food and what it's done to me. I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of being the fat one. I'm tired of the looks I get. I'm tired of running out of breath from going up one flight of stairs. I'm tired of wanting to go by car everywhere even if we can easily walk. I'm tired of feeling tired.

I went to see my doctor recently to switch from the Xenical to an appetite suppressant. I mentioned lap band surgery and he was all for it. He sent a referral to a surgeon for me to be considered for lap band surgery. The doctor decided not to bother with any weight loss drugs.

I still have to go through the screening process. From what I've read, they ask you tons of questions about your dieting history, family illness history and health. Then they do some tests. They take all this into consideration and then they give you a date for surgery.

I know that this isn't going to be that miracle cure I've been looking for, but it WILL be nice to be able to have control over the constant hunger. My problem recently hasn't been eating better, it's the amount I've been eating. I'm looking forward to being able to eat a small portion and feeling full.

I really hope I get approved for it. I'm desperate.

Fashion Items Fat Girls Should NEVER Wear!

It REALLY gets on my LAST nerve when women wear things that are OBVIOUSLY not suited to them! This is my top:

-3/4 Length Sleeves
Um, ladies? Have you noticed that these sleeves make your entire arm look fatter? Have you realised that these sleeves make you look like you have ankles where your wrists should be? Long or short girls. No in betweens when it comes to sleeves!








- Cropped Trousers
You've seen them, right? Trousers with a hem about 6 or 7 inches from the ankle and not snug to the leg but a straight leg so it flaps about when they walk? They're horrible on skinny girls and 100 times worse on fat girls! It just looks like there's either not enough woman to fill a pair of shorts or not enough material to make a proper pair of trousers. On top of that, it gives you cankles!






- Kitten Heel Shoes
These tend to be either pointy toed or slip on strappy or sling back. Either way, you look like you, A. broke the shoe, B. are about to break the shoe, C. are about to topple over or D. like you stuffed pillows into a pair of shoes. Could be all of the above. Point is, make sure you wear shoes that at least LOOK like they can carry your fat ass more than 5 feet without breaking!





- Hipster Jeans
I'll admit even the not so fat are guilty of this as well. Do you actually look in the mirror when you try thing on? That's why there are so many of them in the dressing room at the store girls! Do you REALLY think it looks cute to have your rolls hang over your belt like a life preserver made of skin?






Rant over. Thanks for reading.