Do I REALLY Look Like This??

It's a sad fact that being fat makes me look older. Being fat makes it OK for people to stare and laugh. I have two images of myself in my mind. They each surface at different times, depending on my mental state.

When I'm down the image looks something like the biggest woman in the photo above. What's worse is that today, my son told me that I look just like actress Amy Hill. We were watching the movie Big Fat Liar. During the final scene, she is shown taking a big lusty bite out of a twinkie, thus reinforcing the social acceptability of laughing at fat people. Reinforcing the stereotype that all fat people ever do is eat. I would have cried if I wasn't on anti-depressants! It really hurts to be told that you look like a 55 year-old fat woman!

Before anyone starts busting my balls with, "If you don't like how you look, do something about it," I'll tell you that since mid October, I've lost around 25 pounds because of the long walks to and from school. We walk a mile and a half each way. Uphill. Both ways...no joke!

Now to the other extreme. When I feel good, the image of me in my head looks a little more like the abso-fuckin-loutely GORGEOUS Cote de Pablo, image below. I KNOW that I am nowhere near that small and nowhere near that beautiful, but when I feel good, that is what my inner hottie looks like. Pretending, in my mental world, that I look like her, makes me walk taller, feel better and I don't even notice the people who turn and stare. It's an inner battle that I've been fighting forever. The problem with having that mental image, is that there's always some point where I catch my reflection in a mirror or a window and my ego comes tumbling down. And back I go to that super size BBW image.

It really sucks to be a manic-depressive!