So Many Reasons

I've been reading and reading about Lap Band, and one of the things that I've found is that it's important to have a list of reasons why you want to have the surgery...as if being a big fat fatty boom boom wasn't reason enough!

So here's my list:

Health
-I'm always tired. I get tired just from going up a flight of stairs or up a slight gradient.

-I have awful back issues. I had an accident 12 years ago and since then I've had problems with sciatica, slipped vertebrae, neck pain and migraines. The weight I've kept on just makes all of it worse.

-I can't stop eating. When I eat a recommended (read "small") portion, I'm not full so I go and get seconds or I have some toast. I'm constantly hungry even if I've had a meal no more than 2 hours ago. I'm tired of not being able to control this.

-High cholesterol.

-Pre-diabetic.

-My hips and tailbone ache if I sit in the same position for more than a few minutes.

-I don't sleep well.

-I can't walk long without my feet and ankles hurting.

Self-Esteem
-I hate what I see in the mirror.

-I want to walk around not worrying about people laughing and staring at me because I'm fat.

-I feel that I'm treated badly because of my weight.

-I'm tired of being treated like a second class citizen. (I'll write about THAT one later).

Appearance
-I don't have a lap anymore. It's all covered by belly. I'd like it back so I can sit my kids there once in a while.

-I have fat rolls on my fat rolls.

-My face is getting lost in itself.

-Bingo wings.

-Thighs rubbing together all the time.

-My belly is almost the same size as when I was 8 months pregnant with my twins.

-I look like I have two asses: my buttcheeks and the shelf of fat that goes from hip to hip.

Clothing
-I'd like to have a choice and buy what I like rather than settling for the less hideous items at the plus size stores.

-I'd like to choose clothing based on how it looks instead of it's stretchiness.

-I'd like to wear knee high boots.

-I want to wear normal sizes.

That's it in a nutshell. I do hope this happens for me!

Food Took Over

My current weight is 250 pounds. It's a lot but it's still 35 less than my weight when I arrived here in October. I've been on these pills called Xenical for a few months. It's the prescription strength version of Alli. It works very well. It does exactly what it says: 30% of the fat you eat goes straight through you. Sound great, doesn't it?

Sure but you still have to switch to low fat and fat free stuff for you to lose a significant amount of weight. It's not a miracle drug that lets you eat what you want without exercising for miracle weight loss. That's what we all want isn't it?

I'm tired of food running my life! I honestly don't lust after any particular foods anymore. I'm sick of food and what it's done to me. I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of being the fat one. I'm tired of the looks I get. I'm tired of running out of breath from going up one flight of stairs. I'm tired of wanting to go by car everywhere even if we can easily walk. I'm tired of feeling tired.

I went to see my doctor recently to switch from the Xenical to an appetite suppressant. I mentioned lap band surgery and he was all for it. He sent a referral to a surgeon for me to be considered for lap band surgery. The doctor decided not to bother with any weight loss drugs.

I still have to go through the screening process. From what I've read, they ask you tons of questions about your dieting history, family illness history and health. Then they do some tests. They take all this into consideration and then they give you a date for surgery.

I know that this isn't going to be that miracle cure I've been looking for, but it WILL be nice to be able to have control over the constant hunger. My problem recently hasn't been eating better, it's the amount I've been eating. I'm looking forward to being able to eat a small portion and feeling full.

I really hope I get approved for it. I'm desperate.

Fashion Items Fat Girls Should NEVER Wear!

It REALLY gets on my LAST nerve when women wear things that are OBVIOUSLY not suited to them! This is my top:

-3/4 Length Sleeves
Um, ladies? Have you noticed that these sleeves make your entire arm look fatter? Have you realised that these sleeves make you look like you have ankles where your wrists should be? Long or short girls. No in betweens when it comes to sleeves!








- Cropped Trousers
You've seen them, right? Trousers with a hem about 6 or 7 inches from the ankle and not snug to the leg but a straight leg so it flaps about when they walk? They're horrible on skinny girls and 100 times worse on fat girls! It just looks like there's either not enough woman to fill a pair of shorts or not enough material to make a proper pair of trousers. On top of that, it gives you cankles!






- Kitten Heel Shoes
These tend to be either pointy toed or slip on strappy or sling back. Either way, you look like you, A. broke the shoe, B. are about to break the shoe, C. are about to topple over or D. like you stuffed pillows into a pair of shoes. Could be all of the above. Point is, make sure you wear shoes that at least LOOK like they can carry your fat ass more than 5 feet without breaking!





- Hipster Jeans
I'll admit even the not so fat are guilty of this as well. Do you actually look in the mirror when you try thing on? That's why there are so many of them in the dressing room at the store girls! Do you REALLY think it looks cute to have your rolls hang over your belt like a life preserver made of skin?






Rant over. Thanks for reading.

Do I REALLY Look Like This??

It's a sad fact that being fat makes me look older. Being fat makes it OK for people to stare and laugh. I have two images of myself in my mind. They each surface at different times, depending on my mental state.

When I'm down the image looks something like the biggest woman in the photo above. What's worse is that today, my son told me that I look just like actress Amy Hill. We were watching the movie Big Fat Liar. During the final scene, she is shown taking a big lusty bite out of a twinkie, thus reinforcing the social acceptability of laughing at fat people. Reinforcing the stereotype that all fat people ever do is eat. I would have cried if I wasn't on anti-depressants! It really hurts to be told that you look like a 55 year-old fat woman!

Before anyone starts busting my balls with, "If you don't like how you look, do something about it," I'll tell you that since mid October, I've lost around 25 pounds because of the long walks to and from school. We walk a mile and a half each way. Uphill. Both ways...no joke!

Now to the other extreme. When I feel good, the image of me in my head looks a little more like the abso-fuckin-loutely GORGEOUS Cote de Pablo, image below. I KNOW that I am nowhere near that small and nowhere near that beautiful, but when I feel good, that is what my inner hottie looks like. Pretending, in my mental world, that I look like her, makes me walk taller, feel better and I don't even notice the people who turn and stare. It's an inner battle that I've been fighting forever. The problem with having that mental image, is that there's always some point where I catch my reflection in a mirror or a window and my ego comes tumbling down. And back I go to that super size BBW image.

It really sucks to be a manic-depressive!

Welcome To My World

I lead a pretty simple life with my husband and two children. We enjoy the very simple pleasures in life. Food is our passion. We aren't gourmet by any means but we do like creating. I'll elaborate on that point in future posts. We've enjoyed travelling in the past, but we've grown weary of it and we want to set down roots and keep our travelling confined withing the UK. We're silly and a bit insane.

This particular post is just a train of thought...my writing is much better than this when I'm on topic! What else can I say...I'm obsessed with cats, but I'm not a crazy cat lady. I hate pain but I love getting tattoos. I see the smutty side of random products and sale signs at the supermarket and I always take pictures when I can.

Anyways, this should give you an idea of the kind of things I'll be writing about. Stay tuned...